Sunny in San Diego

The days are not a changing. Yesterday sucked and today started out crappy. I didn’t get much sleep, had a nightmare about the ex, and then I decided not to take any pain killers this morning. Big mistake. My back killed me all day and my ankle wasn’t exactly loving life. But all of this follows the cray dreams/nightmares I had the other night. Actually I don’t even know what to call them at this point because in all honesty, it’s not just dreams/nightmares.

I seem to have this recurring dream about some shadowy figure who sort of reminds me of the grim reaper. This has been going on for months now. It’ s not an every night thing, but it’s something that happens often enough. Maybe I should google it and find out the meaning behind it. The scary part though is it’s not just a dream. I mean it is but I actually wake up, at least it feels like that and I’m staring at these shadowy figures in my room. Sometimes I get up and try to chase them away. Other times I just stare and don’t do anything. But I’m not actually asleep anymore when this happens. Kind of freaky really if you think about it. Or maybe I am asleep and I just don’t know it. Most of the time the shadowy figure just fade away or disappears or I stare at it long enough and it starts to resemble what it really is. The one time it was my hiking backpack. Not sure how that resembled a shadowy figure but it did. Another time it was a shirt and pants reflection off of my computer screen. But as I said I usually go back to sleep or wind up waking up and that’s that. At least I think that’s that.

But the other night it was even weirder. It’s like the shadowy figure didn’t go away. It stayed and kept inching closer to my bed. It started out in the closet and moved ever so slowly across the floor. It was like stalking me or something as it never really got that close to me. Then I did what I normally do but it didn’t go away. At that point I must have been freaking out as it started to look less and less like a shadowy figure and more and more like the grim reaper. So I sat up and stared. My wiped my eyes and even got daring and got out of bed and turned the bathroom light on. And then it was gone. Maybe I woke up.

So I splashed some water on my face, took a couple sips of water and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up there was no shadowy figure haunting me. This time it was some person dressed in a tuxedo with a red bow tie, a mustache and some angry weird smile. It almost looked like some funeral director or something. This character stood in the same spot as the shadowy grim reaper too. So I stare and it doesn’t move. I wipe my eyes and it’s still there. Finally I get up again and turn on the light and it’s gone. Maybe it was just some reflection. Maybe it was the hiking backpack. Or maybe I’m really going crazy as these aren’t just dreams or nightmares. I mean I’m waking up because I’m seeing these things in my room after I get up in the middle of the night.

It’s been one of those weeks. No, it’s been one of those months. Actually it’s been going on for quite awhile, who knows how long. Did you ever have the feeling that you’re running in circles or stuck on a treadmill? No matter what you do or try it doesn’t seem to matter. You might walk a thousand miles, jump out of a plane, swim across the sea, workout all the time, and then go feed sharks but none of it really fixes anything. You’re not moving or going anywhere. Or you wind up back where you started regardless of how far you’ve traveled. Maybe it’s emptiness. Maybe it’s change. Maybe it’s nothing. Or maybe it’s everything.

You dance around town, almost like a clown, just to hide that frown.

Sometimes appearances and attitudes are deceiving. Deceiving to those around you. Deceiving to your own identity. What if people see you as either cheerful, peaceful, hopeful, angry, depressed, or filled with so, oh so much energy. Maybe all of it is fake or all of it’s true, who knows. Some assume things will change for the better, while others pat you on the back and tell you everything will be fine. And still others just assume it’s about dating or sleeping or whatever the hell it is they assume. It’s not about any of those things. However people continue to assume they know what they are talking about when it comes to knowing the real you. Nobody knows anything.

What if one day you wake up and the mirror lies?
The same eyes aren’t the same eyes. The same smile isn’t the same smile. There is only a fake smile hiding a fake frown.
The shadow isn’t the shadow you once knew. The dreams you once dreamed are now nightmares. The nightmares aren’t even nightmares anymore.

What if you wake up one day and the reflection in the mirror is no longer you?

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve led a drama free life.  I work all week, clean up as my roomie is away, go to my classes, and then do it all over again the next day.  Nothing too spectacular. Then on the weekends the past few weeks I hit a bar/club on Friday night and then chill the rest of the weekend.  The Friday night a couple weeks back I hung out in PB(Pacific Beach) on Garnett Ave.  Well really I just went to two places.  Started the night off with the best happy hour in the business (4pm-10pm 2 buck drinks and free appetizers) at a bar called Johnny V’s. Decent enough crowd there until after 9pm when it starts to die down.   At that time I usually hit up another favorite spot with lots of attractive people(crowd is 21-25 mostly), great bartenders, a dance floor, some TVs, an outdoor patio, great drink specials and fun filled times. That place is Moondoggies.   It’s not always fun filled times though as knuckle heads and ‘i’m tougher than you’ idiots like to start trouble. But the past few weekends it’s been nothing but good times.  And that Friday night my cousin and his girlfriend stopped by before they left for the east coast the next day.  It was great hanging with them over that week when they were here.  My other cousin and her husband were in town as well.  It was fun times during my birthday week.

Then this past Friday night I went to see a band called Dying to Wake .  Good punk and rock and roll band who put on a fabulous show at a place called JT’s Pub and Grille.  What was surprising was it was a packed house. It was only their second show but maybe JT’s is always that packed, I don’t know as that was the first time I visited that bar.  Or maybe it was because the one bartender is in the band, who knows.  My friend is in the band Dying to Wake , so that’s why I went. 

I did hit up my old hangout McGregors with some cool bartenders and good food later that night as well.  It was all fun times.  Drama free.  Later on I did wind up walking home as I don’t drive much at night anymore for varioius reasons and I didn’t feel like paying for a taxi. I walked about 18 miles that night. Crazy times.  A lot of time to think I guess or dodge cars, whatever came first.

As far as drama free, like I said both the past two weekends after Friday night all I did was relax and chill. Chilling at home eating, sleeping, looking out at the bay, and taking care of avie and houston(two birds).  It was rather boring I might say. I’m not a big fan of drama free weekends I guess. I have no desire to be trapped in some drama filled bar experience where bad things wind up happening but just chilling home all weekend isn’t my idea of fun. I never liked just chilling or relaxing. I like to sky dive or hike or scuba dive or swim or sail or do whatever. I love adventures that get my adrenaline pumped to the max. But  for whatever reason the past two weekends I decided to take it easy. Also I’ve been tired and fatigued as hell. I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t really worked out at all in the past month. I used to hit the gym 5-6 times a week and run a few more days.  These days I’ve been lazy. I need to get back into the swing of things or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Drama less weekends aren’t my cup of tea and tiring weeks aren’t my idea of where my life should be. I don’t know maybe I just need to think.  Or maybe I just need to wake the hell up and start doing what I say. Or maybe things are what they are because I’m just going through crap and drama free is probably better than ignoring them.