Sunny in San Diego

A Stifling Rabbit walked along an incurable road and discovered the ultimate Epiphany.
For it’s never about one’s destiny during endless and hopeless battles. Nor is it about reaching one’s full potential according to some fear mongered hope.
Pursuant to a conceptualized realization, an immutable Epiphany if you’d like, it’s never about what others see in him; nor is it ever what they feel is a realization of oneself; rather an acceptance in the eternal damnation of the world within himself and himself within the world.

I spoke about rip offs and cons in an earlier blog post. This is in conclusion to the one piece about some Project Risk Manager with over twenty years of experience who seems to be a unprofessional blowhard.

This individual applied to a entry level/intern position. His resume spanned over twenty years. Seems most of his experience was as a project/risk manager. I didn’t know why he applied, but I responded back to him along with 50 other candidates. Yes, I received close to 100 resumes for a entry level/intern type position that paid more in stock and experience than in salary. That’s how bad the job market is out there. And most of these candidates had masters degrees and real world experience.

Anyway, I sent out a few questions to the candidates to get a feel for what they knew and if we should move forward. This guy responded with two emails. One was proclaiming my questions were a joke. The other email was more fascinating coming from a guy with over twenty years management experience. Yes, this guy had the nerve to email me back a graphic of a middle finger. Some kind of 20+ year manager I guess. Call me what you want and tell me that you think of too many questions for an entry level position, but this guy responded to my ad, he sent me his resume, then he had the nerve to email me back a middle finger. I should spread the word to recruiters and other managers that this guy is a piece of work and shouldn’t be working. A manager with that kind of professionalism is kind of a joke. Who would want to hire somebody like that? Not me.

Recently, I’ve been working on a few projects and most of it involves coming up with some ideas, plans, designs, etc and then implementing some theories, diagrams and content. Or maybe research something a little more. At the same time I look around for some help regarding web development, software engineering, artistic design, etc. What I’ve learned is that most people are either idiots or con artists. That’s not exactly true. The majority of software engineers seem to be an intelligent bunch. Except for one guy who probably wasn’t even a software engineer. This guy was a trip. Read my other blog posting(Project Risk to hire this Manager) about this individual.

Back to the original point. I can see why a lot of people assume Information Technology professionals or more importantly, web developers, are nothing special or a pain in the behind. I shouldn’t throw most people under the bus. Like I said, most of the software engineers seem respectful and know what they are talking about. Then again it’s because most of them went to college and learned about computer science. They actually come up with original thoughts and analysis or maybe they have what’s called critical thinking knowledge. But it’s almost a lost cause when it comes to web developers/designers and graphic artists. I know the technology and I hear people trying to sell me a bag of goods regarding what they can do for me, how they can market my website, and how much a site like mine would cost. Of course they claim to give me some huge discount. And it’s funny how half these ‘people’ send replies that refer to themselves as ‘we’ and so on. Hell I even had one person inform me that they haven’t used Flash in years, but they could relearn it again if I needed them to. Yeah I’d pay them to learn something. If I were to do that, I might as well just learn it myself and save the damn money.

Another project was designing a logo and banner. The damn logo and banner were already drawn, designed, etc. All we needed done was for somebody who knows photoshop or illustrator very well to digitize it and maybe show a few different color and font options. A few people claimed this could be a thousand dollar project. Thousand bucks for what? They didn’t’ come up with the idea. They didn’t even freaking draw the thing. They really didn’t do a damn thing. Yes, their time would be worth money. But their time isn’t worth what some of these people think. To top it off, some of these people email a sample with watermarks that had nothing to do with the original concept or drawing. Do people even read?

Even after hiring somebody to do some artwork, it takes over a month to come up with a simple damn update. Like I said everything was already done for them. They only needed to touch up the drawing and digitize it a little better. But half the time they don’t bother reading what the requirements are and what you need done. Or they come back with (i can do this for this much, but anything more will cost a little more). It’s one thing if they came up with the concept, drawing, design, etc, but a month for a logo that was already done? How stupid.

Oh and there are plenty of ‘artists’ who seem to ignore your requirements and then design something on their own time you don’t like or want and then claim, ‘hey I spent such and such time on this so I deserve such and such money.’ That’s like going to a job interview, it doesn’t go well, they go home and decide to make something up, and then email that company and ask them for a paycheck. People are really stupid.

Hell, on another project I threw out an idea of what I wanted and needed, so I could get a feel for what some artists could design for me or if I needed to change my idea altogether. You know what, half the people who got back to me asked me to come up with a sketch so they could get a better idea. If I’m drawing the damn thing(i’m not an artist) why the hell am I paying them? All I wanted was for somebody to come up with a concept and design after I gave them the original idea and concept.

I understand people should charge for their services, but it really seems there are a lot of unprofessional people out of work who are really out of work for a valid reason. You ask them for something and they don’t bother reading what you asked for or they ignore it altogether or they think their 5 minute unoriginal half assed job is worth thousands of bucks. Go figure they need small jobs. They shouldn’t be doing what they are doing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people might as well not hire web developers or designers or even artists/graphic designers. Not for what they are charging. Or maybe that’s why people offshore and outsource work. Just look at some of the examples of these people and it’s obvious they seem to throw together a template that takes about 10 minutes(hell you can buy a template and edit it yourself for under 100 bucks and you don’t even have to know much about programming or even html). Don’t go around claiming some simple 5 page website you threw up using some other persons template, that took you under 5 minutes to do, is worth $5K. It’s not. Or maybe most of the web designers/developers and graphic artists need to inflate their egos because the reality is their work isn’t worth much in the real world anymore.

Nobody should be paying somebody $30/HR for somebody who knows html and wordpress. Yes, if you need a shopping cart, a content management system, some flash, and a ton of original real programming work done to some complicated e-commerce site or backend system, it might be worth it. There is actually programming or real design involved. But somebody selling some $30/HR unoriginal template cheap ass work is a scam. Plain and simple.

Whether it’s a website or a graphic doesn’t really matter. Playing on people’s technological ignorance is what a lot of people seem to do. Everybody needs to make a buck, but when your work is worth $1 and you charge $10K….then it’s just a scam. A con. A rip off. And in all honesty people like that should be thrown off a cliff never to be seen again. End of story.

Moving, roommate drama(some people want to live by themselves but cant afford it) plus I have a new girlfriend I’ve been spending a lot of time with.

Once I get settled into my new place(hopefully I find a new place soon as I’ll be living in my car for a bit if I don’t) I’ll get back into the swing of things. Keep checking back.

It’s been a bit since I last posted. Not that I’ve been in trouble or anything or going through mad pain or horrible circumstances or depressing moments. More like just figuring everything out at this point in time. Yes I’ve been kicked out of a bunch of bars. Too much dancing, partying, meatheads, hotheads, and anger issues but at the end of the day it is what it is. Spending way too much money might be the biggest problem but that just happens. Somebody has to support this damn economy. Dealing with various issues is more likely the scenario. And at this point in time it has nothing to do with past relationships.

Walk along an abandoned railroad track and you get a glimpse into the past. Create whatever memory you want to create because at that moment in time who is going to correct you? Or walk along and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I’ve met some interesting people over the past year. Some good and some not so good. If I never got divorced I would have never met these people. I’ve partied like I was 22 again except this time I had the money to burn and didn’t have to hang out in the back of a 7-11 or grocery store or wawa sipping on Cisco or Mad Dog. Or I didn’t have to go to a club with 20 bucks and not be able to afford much of anything. Or I wasn’t the person at a club wearing crappy clothes bought at some crappy cheap store. I’m able to buy drinks for everybody in a damn bar at times and other times just drinks for the pretty girls. Which sometimes leads to numbers, leads to conversations, leads to something more as they say. None of that would have been possible if I were still married. True none of these people really matter or give a crap about me, but I never really wanted anything more than that at this point in time. Why would I after all the mess I went through?

However, I was also deep down on myself dealing with everything in the sun. For the longest time I didn’t deal with anything. I became the guy everybody vicariously lives through. I have to top what I did last week so to speak for my ‘fans.’ I was in my own reality tv show in a way. Whether it was partying, bottle service, making it rain, jumping out of airplanes, feeding sharks, hiking 40 miles, or doing random crazy things, it was always about never sitting still. Never sleeping much either. But I also hit the gym hardcore, did my work, and tried to eat healthy. Then things change. Sometimes age does catch up to you or the hard life drains you. The switch to go from party mode to hardcore gym rat was broken. I drained myself soo much that there wasn’t that switch anymore. I tried to workout but I could feel the lack of energy and lack of anything. Maybe a little bit of depression set in at one point for various reasons too. It was a self destructive path that Heath Ledger or Chris Farley would have been scared of that’s for sure. Nowhere to go at a certain point. I guess you either roll with the punches or you roll into a ditch someplace and hide. I’ve never been one to hide for very long.

I’ve met some interesting people who liked me for whatever reasons. I really don’t know if they do or not but that’s another issue that only time will heal I guess. There are tons of issues I have to learn to deal with that have nothing to do with my ex wife. People like to blame everything on that or they like to tell me to move home where everybody loves me. While that’s true to a certain point I left the east coast because I couldn’t stand it there. Too many small minded individuals stuck with no hope and nowhere to go. There are some great people there but there are also a lot of people who gave up on life a long time ago and then blame the world for their problems. I never had that mentality. I always wanted to get out. And while the grass isn’t greener on the other side, I see far more opportunities where I’m at then where I came from. I left the east for many reasons and I have no desire to ever move back there. I will visit, I will laugh, I will enjoy the company when I go but I’ll never live there again. There is nothing for me there. I never fit in there.

Maybe I’ll hike through Europe for a few months soon or sail around the world, who knows. Those are some things I want to do before I get too old to actually enjoy it. I want to set up a charity to remember my sister. I want to actually build my new company into something successful. I also want to date again even though I can tell I keep a far distance these days. There is one girl I’ve been seeing and talking to for about a month now. Some might know her as picnic girl. We aren’t exclusive or anything like that as people who follow me would definitely know. But she’s different. She doesn’t party or drink. She informs me I should start saving money for the future and when I told her I sort of did that once and it didn’t turn out so well, she seems to know the right things to say that make sense. She actually knows about my divorce and doesn’t think negatively of me for it like quite a few people I met thought. And she isn’t afraid of it I guess. And her smile. She has the prettiest smile and loves to laugh. I spent soo much time with somebody who didn’t seem to like laughing that I forgot how much of a kidder and teaser I am. And I forgot what it feels like when somebody can kid and tease you. A sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and at life sometimes because it’s not always sunny in San Diego. Plus she’s smart. Masters degree and all. But who knows where things will go as like I said, I keep my distance these days. Do I like her? Yeah. But it’s only been a month and we aren’t even exclusive so we’ll see what happens. She is the first girl I’ve actually wanted to hang out with and just relax. We’ve hung out for hours upon hours on our dates just chatting, walking around, seeing the sights, eating, and chatting some more. In the past year or what not most of the other girls I’ve met were more about not getting to know them at all.

So when you walk down the railroad and forget that this track actually has trains passing by, remember to look up and step aside. Sometimes life throws you off a cliff and the only thing you can do is hope you don’t fall too hard. Because you need your hands and feet to climb back up that cliff one rock at a time. Life throws tough punches sometimes, you have to either roll with them and find a way back up or you can go hide and give up. Like I said I’ve never been one to hide for long.

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

I’m blogging from my iPhone…just setting it up and testing tonight.

What the hell does break, boil, borrow, steal, and theories within a chaotic mindless babble even mean? I have no clue what anything means anymore. Things were going fine. Maybe not great, but fine is fine is fine. Fine is good. Yes there were issues. Lots of issues I guess, but you learn to deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Then something happens. Somebody tries to ruin your day.

You try and not let them ruin it. Yes you try ever so hard to ignore it or brush it aside. You chalk it up to nothing more than a spoiled brat acting like a child. Laugh it off as somebody who is used to getting what they want by flashing their smile or simple blind manipulation. No big deal. They didn’t beat you at their own game this time. So you keep a straight face. You smile. You laugh. You nod. When everybody around you doesn’t comprehend how you keep a cool, calm, collective attitude you just shrug it off as not being a big deal. You push aside any ill feelings toward anybody. But sometimes people test your resolve. Sometimes they test your sanity. And some days they test every single bone, blood, and soul particle in your entire existence.

People can bang you a thousand times over and you keep getting back up smiling. They couldn’t do any more harm than they already had done. They could try and destroy everything there is, but in the end they really can’t destroy what’s already dead. How can somebody kill a soul that’s already doomed. How can somebody punish a spirit that’s already charred. And how can they bash a mind that left a long time ago. They really can’t can they? But what if it’s all just a mirage?

What if you hate thinking about all that shit? What if all that shit does suddenly explode? Sometimes there are battles to be won, wars to be lost and another day to fight. Maybe you don’t ever turn into a zombie if there is a part of you that keeps fighting. Maybe your subconscious keeps fighting a losing battle or maybe sometimes you are just one of those people who would bang their head into a wall over and over until you made a dent. And with that dent means a crack will come. And if the wall cracks, soon thereafter it will fall. Maybe the subconscious brain lives by that theory. Or maybe I’m really going crazy.

I’m probably the last person on this planet anybody would want to be standing next to if the cool, calm, collective self listened to the other half. I”m a Gemini so believe me there is another half. My writing and stories always kept me balanced I guess. But I don’t really write anything anymore. Yes I blog once in a while but that’s not the same. Good and bad, bad and good, life is what it is and death is what it is and we can’t fear either.

All I know is at one point your dreams frighten you more than anything. What if your dreams are nightmares? Or what if your nightmares are dreams? Or what if they really aren’t dreams or nightmares at all? At some point you don’t know what’s up from down and down from up. People give you advice and many times it’s very good advice. But none of these people know anything about me. None of these people really know how low somebody has gone. None of these people know the history. None of these people really know how horrible all of this shit makes me feel. And I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. In the end there is only so much somebody can smile and nod. And sometimes those inner demons are ever so slowly slithering out.

It’s hard to lock them away all the time when people keep kicking you when you’re already down. The smiles and nods irritate them. Your calm demeanor pisses them off. And maybe those subconscious dreams or nightmares are the only way the other half has of fighting the battle. The battle for the mirror. Like I said some days the mirror lies. Then again the mirror never lies. Call it a chip, an attitude, arrogance, selfishness or whatever the hell you want to call it. Call it what it really is though. You can’t really bang your head and expect the wall to break. Just like you can’t let others keep pushing you down and not expect somebody to push back. Turmoil. Chaos. That’s what break, boil, borrow, and steal really mean. Eventually as they say, there can only be one. Which one will win nobody knows.