Sunny in San Diego

It’s been a bit since I last posted. Not that I’ve been in trouble or anything or going through mad pain or horrible circumstances or depressing moments. More like just figuring everything out at this point in time. Yes I’ve been kicked out of a bunch of bars. Too much dancing, partying, meatheads, hotheads, and anger issues but at the end of the day it is what it is. Spending way too much money might be the biggest problem but that just happens. Somebody has to support this damn economy. Dealing with various issues is more likely the scenario. And at this point in time it has nothing to do with past relationships.

Walk along an abandoned railroad track and you get a glimpse into the past. Create whatever memory you want to create because at that moment in time who is going to correct you? Or walk along and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I’ve met some interesting people over the past year. Some good and some not so good. If I never got divorced I would have never met these people. I’ve partied like I was 22 again except this time I had the money to burn and didn’t have to hang out in the back of a 7-11 or grocery store or wawa sipping on Cisco or Mad Dog. Or I didn’t have to go to a club with 20 bucks and not be able to afford much of anything. Or I wasn’t the person at a club wearing crappy clothes bought at some crappy cheap store. I’m able to buy drinks for everybody in a damn bar at times and other times just drinks for the pretty girls. Which sometimes leads to numbers, leads to conversations, leads to something more as they say. None of that would have been possible if I were still married. True none of these people really matter or give a crap about me, but I never really wanted anything more than that at this point in time. Why would I after all the mess I went through?

However, I was also deep down on myself dealing with everything in the sun. For the longest time I didn’t deal with anything. I became the guy everybody vicariously lives through. I have to top what I did last week so to speak for my ‘fans.’ I was in my own reality tv show in a way. Whether it was partying, bottle service, making it rain, jumping out of airplanes, feeding sharks, hiking 40 miles, or doing random crazy things, it was always about never sitting still. Never sleeping much either. But I also hit the gym hardcore, did my work, and tried to eat healthy. Then things change. Sometimes age does catch up to you or the hard life drains you. The switch to go from party mode to hardcore gym rat was broken. I drained myself soo much that there wasn’t that switch anymore. I tried to workout but I could feel the lack of energy and lack of anything. Maybe a little bit of depression set in at one point for various reasons too. It was a self destructive path that Heath Ledger or Chris Farley would have been scared of that’s for sure. Nowhere to go at a certain point. I guess you either roll with the punches or you roll into a ditch someplace and hide. I’ve never been one to hide for very long.

I’ve met some interesting people who liked me for whatever reasons. I really don’t know if they do or not but that’s another issue that only time will heal I guess. There are tons of issues I have to learn to deal with that have nothing to do with my ex wife. People like to blame everything on that or they like to tell me to move home where everybody loves me. While that’s true to a certain point I left the east coast because I couldn’t stand it there. Too many small minded individuals stuck with no hope and nowhere to go. There are some great people there but there are also a lot of people who gave up on life a long time ago and then blame the world for their problems. I never had that mentality. I always wanted to get out. And while the grass isn’t greener on the other side, I see far more opportunities where I’m at then where I came from. I left the east for many reasons and I have no desire to ever move back there. I will visit, I will laugh, I will enjoy the company when I go but I’ll never live there again. There is nothing for me there. I never fit in there.

Maybe I’ll hike through Europe for a few months soon or sail around the world, who knows. Those are some things I want to do before I get too old to actually enjoy it. I want to set up a charity to remember my sister. I want to actually build my new company into something successful. I also want to date again even though I can tell I keep a far distance these days. There is one girl I’ve been seeing and talking to for about a month now. Some might know her as picnic girl. We aren’t exclusive or anything like that as people who follow me would definitely know. But she’s different. She doesn’t party or drink. She informs me I should start saving money for the future and when I told her I sort of did that once and it didn’t turn out so well, she seems to know the right things to say that make sense. She actually knows about my divorce and doesn’t think negatively of me for it like quite a few people I met thought. And she isn’t afraid of it I guess. And her smile. She has the prettiest smile and loves to laugh. I spent soo much time with somebody who didn’t seem to like laughing that I forgot how much of a kidder and teaser I am. And I forgot what it feels like when somebody can kid and tease you. A sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and at life sometimes because it’s not always sunny in San Diego. Plus she’s smart. Masters degree and all. But who knows where things will go as like I said, I keep my distance these days. Do I like her? Yeah. But it’s only been a month and we aren’t even exclusive so we’ll see what happens. She is the first girl I’ve actually wanted to hang out with and just relax. We’ve hung out for hours upon hours on our dates just chatting, walking around, seeing the sights, eating, and chatting some more. In the past year or what not most of the other girls I’ve met were more about not getting to know them at all.

So when you walk down the railroad and forget that this track actually has trains passing by, remember to look up and step aside. Sometimes life throws you off a cliff and the only thing you can do is hope you don’t fall too hard. Because you need your hands and feet to climb back up that cliff one rock at a time. Life throws tough punches sometimes, you have to either roll with them and find a way back up or you can go hide and give up. Like I said I’ve never been one to hide for long.

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

I don’t even know what I”m talking about at this point. I do know a Mr. Andy Kaos came for a visit today and doesn’t want to leave. I think he likes San Diego. He likes the sunshine, the beaches, the desert, and most of all the girls. Who wouldn’t like it here? He knows that I won’t tell him anything bad about the place. Yes there are issues with no money, spoiled trust fund brats, stuck up snobbish ugly looking girls, and overpriced and underpaid areas but saying all that where else in the world would anybody want to be? Nowhere. So Andy Kaos came to visit and refuses to leave. This can be a very good thing. It can also be a very bad thing. Let the chaos begin.

Have you ever been told that you ruined somebodies life? I don’t think I had that much power over anybody before until last week. Somebody, many already know who, sent me a message(this after she supposedly lost my number, deleted all contact on every internet site, etc) claiming I ruined her life. I never replied. I don’t stay in contact with people like that anymore. At first I tried to remain friends for whatever reason. Then it became obvious that there was no point remaining in contact. We weren’t friends. Not even close. It was more about showing up each other. She’d send pics or messages or leave a comment on how she’s in love, planning to have kids, doing this or that. I’d just complain about having no desire to date anybody and how I spend all my money going out all the time. And we probably only exchanged messages about 5 times in the past 4 months. Only times she contacted me was when she needed money. Anyway she got pissed the one time I told her no and the rest is history. Of course I deleted her number but I’ll get a text message from some random number saying I”m an a-hole or the whole ‘i ruined her life.’ I find that funny really.

Seriously after all the crap she put me through and continued to put me through she’s going to go down that path? What a pathetic excuse for a life. Maybe I shouldn’t go that far. No I will go that far. She made her choice or choices. She did what she did for whatever reason and continued to try and mess with my life. If we just broke up and moved on, then it is what it is, but she tried to leach and leach and then I guess when others weren’t giving her a damn thing anymore she blames me. Go figure I should just shut up. But those who know me know I won’t. Some people are just pathetic excuses for human beings.

She cheats, has an affair, refuses to get divorced, continues to cheat, calls the cops on me, tries to play some game where her and her bf screw me over, then tries to finagle even more money, then after I buy her a car and am the one who moves out, she can’t find anybody who will pay her to do whatever, she moves on to Texas. She hates it there and tries to get back with me. I wanted nothing to do with her so it wasn’t going to happen. Then she drives back to San Diego and stays over some guys house who she sells something or does something for and then doesn’t get paid and she wants me to handle the matter. She almost gets stuck cause she has no money and nobody is giving her any and she asks me for a few bucks. I wasn’t giving her anything more at that point. And I still tried to be her friend back then for who knows what reason. Wow….the stupidity of my stupid mind. Then who knows what happened. She met some new guy in Texas. A marine who supposedly she loved and he loved her. She gets a job and a tattoo. But then her car breaks down, she gets laid off, and she asks me for money. I tell her no and she goes psycho. I am glad she lives in Texas and not in San Diego because who knows what she would have done. I already got hit in the head with a damn frying pan once and she almost ran me off the road another time. Nobody really knows all the stories. People often wonder about certain things. Sorry but most of those other stories just aren’t leaving the vault. Sometimes you have to keep things locked up for your own sanity. Sometimes you wonder what the hell you saw in somebody for her to go that psycho and then you see moments over the years that might have explained those situations. Or maybe you just don’t want to look into that mirror and admit you were stupid. Or maybe it’s hard to figure out where the hell you went wrong. Maybe I should have listened to a little old lady a long time ago. A little old lady who told me I should just find a nice Jewish girl. Maybe I should have listened to her.

I’m blogging from my iPhone…just setting it up and testing tonight.

What the hell does break, boil, borrow, steal, and theories within a chaotic mindless babble even mean? I have no clue what anything means anymore. Things were going fine. Maybe not great, but fine is fine is fine. Fine is good. Yes there were issues. Lots of issues I guess, but you learn to deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Then something happens. Somebody tries to ruin your day.

You try and not let them ruin it. Yes you try ever so hard to ignore it or brush it aside. You chalk it up to nothing more than a spoiled brat acting like a child. Laugh it off as somebody who is used to getting what they want by flashing their smile or simple blind manipulation. No big deal. They didn’t beat you at their own game this time. So you keep a straight face. You smile. You laugh. You nod. When everybody around you doesn’t comprehend how you keep a cool, calm, collective attitude you just shrug it off as not being a big deal. You push aside any ill feelings toward anybody. But sometimes people test your resolve. Sometimes they test your sanity. And some days they test every single bone, blood, and soul particle in your entire existence.

People can bang you a thousand times over and you keep getting back up smiling. They couldn’t do any more harm than they already had done. They could try and destroy everything there is, but in the end they really can’t destroy what’s already dead. How can somebody kill a soul that’s already doomed. How can somebody punish a spirit that’s already charred. And how can they bash a mind that left a long time ago. They really can’t can they? But what if it’s all just a mirage?

What if you hate thinking about all that shit? What if all that shit does suddenly explode? Sometimes there are battles to be won, wars to be lost and another day to fight. Maybe you don’t ever turn into a zombie if there is a part of you that keeps fighting. Maybe your subconscious keeps fighting a losing battle or maybe sometimes you are just one of those people who would bang their head into a wall over and over until you made a dent. And with that dent means a crack will come. And if the wall cracks, soon thereafter it will fall. Maybe the subconscious brain lives by that theory. Or maybe I’m really going crazy.

I’m probably the last person on this planet anybody would want to be standing next to if the cool, calm, collective self listened to the other half. I”m a Gemini so believe me there is another half. My writing and stories always kept me balanced I guess. But I don’t really write anything anymore. Yes I blog once in a while but that’s not the same. Good and bad, bad and good, life is what it is and death is what it is and we can’t fear either.

All I know is at one point your dreams frighten you more than anything. What if your dreams are nightmares? Or what if your nightmares are dreams? Or what if they really aren’t dreams or nightmares at all? At some point you don’t know what’s up from down and down from up. People give you advice and many times it’s very good advice. But none of these people know anything about me. None of these people really know how low somebody has gone. None of these people know the history. None of these people really know how horrible all of this shit makes me feel. And I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. In the end there is only so much somebody can smile and nod. And sometimes those inner demons are ever so slowly slithering out.

It’s hard to lock them away all the time when people keep kicking you when you’re already down. The smiles and nods irritate them. Your calm demeanor pisses them off. And maybe those subconscious dreams or nightmares are the only way the other half has of fighting the battle. The battle for the mirror. Like I said some days the mirror lies. Then again the mirror never lies. Call it a chip, an attitude, arrogance, selfishness or whatever the hell you want to call it. Call it what it really is though. You can’t really bang your head and expect the wall to break. Just like you can’t let others keep pushing you down and not expect somebody to push back. Turmoil. Chaos. That’s what break, boil, borrow, and steal really mean. Eventually as they say, there can only be one. Which one will win nobody knows.

The days are not a changing. Yesterday sucked and today started out crappy. I didn’t get much sleep, had a nightmare about the ex, and then I decided not to take any pain killers this morning. Big mistake. My back killed me all day and my ankle wasn’t exactly loving life. But all of this follows the cray dreams/nightmares I had the other night. Actually I don’t even know what to call them at this point because in all honesty, it’s not just dreams/nightmares.

I seem to have this recurring dream about some shadowy figure who sort of reminds me of the grim reaper. This has been going on for months now. It’ s not an every night thing, but it’s something that happens often enough. Maybe I should google it and find out the meaning behind it. The scary part though is it’s not just a dream. I mean it is but I actually wake up, at least it feels like that and I’m staring at these shadowy figures in my room. Sometimes I get up and try to chase them away. Other times I just stare and don’t do anything. But I’m not actually asleep anymore when this happens. Kind of freaky really if you think about it. Or maybe I am asleep and I just don’t know it. Most of the time the shadowy figure just fade away or disappears or I stare at it long enough and it starts to resemble what it really is. The one time it was my hiking backpack. Not sure how that resembled a shadowy figure but it did. Another time it was a shirt and pants reflection off of my computer screen. But as I said I usually go back to sleep or wind up waking up and that’s that. At least I think that’s that.

But the other night it was even weirder. It’s like the shadowy figure didn’t go away. It stayed and kept inching closer to my bed. It started out in the closet and moved ever so slowly across the floor. It was like stalking me or something as it never really got that close to me. Then I did what I normally do but it didn’t go away. At that point I must have been freaking out as it started to look less and less like a shadowy figure and more and more like the grim reaper. So I sat up and stared. My wiped my eyes and even got daring and got out of bed and turned the bathroom light on. And then it was gone. Maybe I woke up.

So I splashed some water on my face, took a couple sips of water and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up there was no shadowy figure haunting me. This time it was some person dressed in a tuxedo with a red bow tie, a mustache and some angry weird smile. It almost looked like some funeral director or something. This character stood in the same spot as the shadowy grim reaper too. So I stare and it doesn’t move. I wipe my eyes and it’s still there. Finally I get up again and turn on the light and it’s gone. Maybe it was just some reflection. Maybe it was the hiking backpack. Or maybe I’m really going crazy as these aren’t just dreams or nightmares. I mean I’m waking up because I’m seeing these things in my room after I get up in the middle of the night.

Normal Heights to Oceanside
Find more Walks in San Diego, California

I ‘m planning to walk from PB(Pacific Beach) to Oceanside on Saturday. That’s around a 40 mile walk, one way. I have to figure out how the hell I”m getting back. Maybe I’ll take the coaster train. It should be fun. You ask why am I doing this? Just to do it for one and for another there is a pedometer challenge at work and I don’t like to lose. I figure I’ll be way ahead of everybody else and if the rest of my team does just average next week, we should win. I like winning.

What is with my choices in tv shows recently? Maybe I was that bored and out of my mind or something. I mean I sat through Titanic. Yes I watched the entire movie by myself the weekend prior to the one that just passed. Then I watched some other movie I think called Failure to Launch. This past weekend I sat through some other movies that I don’t even remember the name of, but they involved some kind of romance and drama. And why the hell have I been watching Daisey for love or whatever the hell it’s called. It’s a reality TV show. I hate reality TV shows. And then last night I watched the Wedding Singer. Great movie but what the hell am I watching all these movies where they start out good, get depressing, then everything is great at the end. I have no clue really. Kind of sad to tell you the truth. Maybe I should avoid the TV. I did watch Gangland and basketball though. So there you go.

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve led a drama free life.  I work all week, clean up as my roomie is away, go to my classes, and then do it all over again the next day.  Nothing too spectacular. Then on the weekends the past few weeks I hit a bar/club on Friday night and then chill the rest of the weekend.  The Friday night a couple weeks back I hung out in PB(Pacific Beach) on Garnett Ave.  Well really I just went to two places.  Started the night off with the best happy hour in the business (4pm-10pm 2 buck drinks and free appetizers) at a bar called Johnny V’s. Decent enough crowd there until after 9pm when it starts to die down.   At that time I usually hit up another favorite spot with lots of attractive people(crowd is 21-25 mostly), great bartenders, a dance floor, some TVs, an outdoor patio, great drink specials and fun filled times. That place is Moondoggies.   It’s not always fun filled times though as knuckle heads and ‘i’m tougher than you’ idiots like to start trouble. But the past few weekends it’s been nothing but good times.  And that Friday night my cousin and his girlfriend stopped by before they left for the east coast the next day.  It was great hanging with them over that week when they were here.  My other cousin and her husband were in town as well.  It was fun times during my birthday week.

Then this past Friday night I went to see a band called Dying to Wake .  Good punk and rock and roll band who put on a fabulous show at a place called JT’s Pub and Grille.  What was surprising was it was a packed house. It was only their second show but maybe JT’s is always that packed, I don’t know as that was the first time I visited that bar.  Or maybe it was because the one bartender is in the band, who knows.  My friend is in the band Dying to Wake , so that’s why I went. 

I did hit up my old hangout McGregors with some cool bartenders and good food later that night as well.  It was all fun times.  Drama free.  Later on I did wind up walking home as I don’t drive much at night anymore for varioius reasons and I didn’t feel like paying for a taxi. I walked about 18 miles that night. Crazy times.  A lot of time to think I guess or dodge cars, whatever came first.

As far as drama free, like I said both the past two weekends after Friday night all I did was relax and chill. Chilling at home eating, sleeping, looking out at the bay, and taking care of avie and houston(two birds).  It was rather boring I might say. I’m not a big fan of drama free weekends I guess. I have no desire to be trapped in some drama filled bar experience where bad things wind up happening but just chilling home all weekend isn’t my idea of fun. I never liked just chilling or relaxing. I like to sky dive or hike or scuba dive or swim or sail or do whatever. I love adventures that get my adrenaline pumped to the max. But  for whatever reason the past two weekends I decided to take it easy. Also I’ve been tired and fatigued as hell. I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t really worked out at all in the past month. I used to hit the gym 5-6 times a week and run a few more days.  These days I’ve been lazy. I need to get back into the swing of things or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Drama less weekends aren’t my cup of tea and tiring weeks aren’t my idea of where my life should be. I don’t know maybe I just need to think.  Or maybe I just need to wake the hell up and start doing what I say. Or maybe things are what they are because I’m just going through crap and drama free is probably better than ignoring them.