Sunny in San Diego

It’s been a bit since I last posted. Not that I’ve been in trouble or anything or going through mad pain or horrible circumstances or depressing moments. More like just figuring everything out at this point in time. Yes I’ve been kicked out of a bunch of bars. Too much dancing, partying, meatheads, hotheads, and anger issues but at the end of the day it is what it is. Spending way too much money might be the biggest problem but that just happens. Somebody has to support this damn economy. Dealing with various issues is more likely the scenario. And at this point in time it has nothing to do with past relationships.

Walk along an abandoned railroad track and you get a glimpse into the past. Create whatever memory you want to create because at that moment in time who is going to correct you? Or walk along and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I’ve met some interesting people over the past year. Some good and some not so good. If I never got divorced I would have never met these people. I’ve partied like I was 22 again except this time I had the money to burn and didn’t have to hang out in the back of a 7-11 or grocery store or wawa sipping on Cisco or Mad Dog. Or I didn’t have to go to a club with 20 bucks and not be able to afford much of anything. Or I wasn’t the person at a club wearing crappy clothes bought at some crappy cheap store. I’m able to buy drinks for everybody in a damn bar at times and other times just drinks for the pretty girls. Which sometimes leads to numbers, leads to conversations, leads to something more as they say. None of that would have been possible if I were still married. True none of these people really matter or give a crap about me, but I never really wanted anything more than that at this point in time. Why would I after all the mess I went through?

However, I was also deep down on myself dealing with everything in the sun. For the longest time I didn’t deal with anything. I became the guy everybody vicariously lives through. I have to top what I did last week so to speak for my ‘fans.’ I was in my own reality tv show in a way. Whether it was partying, bottle service, making it rain, jumping out of airplanes, feeding sharks, hiking 40 miles, or doing random crazy things, it was always about never sitting still. Never sleeping much either. But I also hit the gym hardcore, did my work, and tried to eat healthy. Then things change. Sometimes age does catch up to you or the hard life drains you. The switch to go from party mode to hardcore gym rat was broken. I drained myself soo much that there wasn’t that switch anymore. I tried to workout but I could feel the lack of energy and lack of anything. Maybe a little bit of depression set in at one point for various reasons too. It was a self destructive path that Heath Ledger or Chris Farley would have been scared of that’s for sure. Nowhere to go at a certain point. I guess you either roll with the punches or you roll into a ditch someplace and hide. I’ve never been one to hide for very long.

I’ve met some interesting people who liked me for whatever reasons. I really don’t know if they do or not but that’s another issue that only time will heal I guess. There are tons of issues I have to learn to deal with that have nothing to do with my ex wife. People like to blame everything on that or they like to tell me to move home where everybody loves me. While that’s true to a certain point I left the east coast because I couldn’t stand it there. Too many small minded individuals stuck with no hope and nowhere to go. There are some great people there but there are also a lot of people who gave up on life a long time ago and then blame the world for their problems. I never had that mentality. I always wanted to get out. And while the grass isn’t greener on the other side, I see far more opportunities where I’m at then where I came from. I left the east for many reasons and I have no desire to ever move back there. I will visit, I will laugh, I will enjoy the company when I go but I’ll never live there again. There is nothing for me there. I never fit in there.

Maybe I’ll hike through Europe for a few months soon or sail around the world, who knows. Those are some things I want to do before I get too old to actually enjoy it. I want to set up a charity to remember my sister. I want to actually build my new company into something successful. I also want to date again even though I can tell I keep a far distance these days. There is one girl I’ve been seeing and talking to for about a month now. Some might know her as picnic girl. We aren’t exclusive or anything like that as people who follow me would definitely know. But she’s different. She doesn’t party or drink. She informs me I should start saving money for the future and when I told her I sort of did that once and it didn’t turn out so well, she seems to know the right things to say that make sense. She actually knows about my divorce and doesn’t think negatively of me for it like quite a few people I met thought. And she isn’t afraid of it I guess. And her smile. She has the prettiest smile and loves to laugh. I spent soo much time with somebody who didn’t seem to like laughing that I forgot how much of a kidder and teaser I am. And I forgot what it feels like when somebody can kid and tease you. A sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and at life sometimes because it’s not always sunny in San Diego. Plus she’s smart. Masters degree and all. But who knows where things will go as like I said, I keep my distance these days. Do I like her? Yeah. But it’s only been a month and we aren’t even exclusive so we’ll see what happens. She is the first girl I’ve actually wanted to hang out with and just relax. We’ve hung out for hours upon hours on our dates just chatting, walking around, seeing the sights, eating, and chatting some more. In the past year or what not most of the other girls I’ve met were more about not getting to know them at all.

So when you walk down the railroad and forget that this track actually has trains passing by, remember to look up and step aside. Sometimes life throws you off a cliff and the only thing you can do is hope you don’t fall too hard. Because you need your hands and feet to climb back up that cliff one rock at a time. Life throws tough punches sometimes, you have to either roll with them and find a way back up or you can go hide and give up. Like I said I’ve never been one to hide for long.

Have you ever been told that you ruined somebodies life? I don’t think I had that much power over anybody before until last week. Somebody, many already know who, sent me a message(this after she supposedly lost my number, deleted all contact on every internet site, etc) claiming I ruined her life. I never replied. I don’t stay in contact with people like that anymore. At first I tried to remain friends for whatever reason. Then it became obvious that there was no point remaining in contact. We weren’t friends. Not even close. It was more about showing up each other. She’d send pics or messages or leave a comment on how she’s in love, planning to have kids, doing this or that. I’d just complain about having no desire to date anybody and how I spend all my money going out all the time. And we probably only exchanged messages about 5 times in the past 4 months. Only times she contacted me was when she needed money. Anyway she got pissed the one time I told her no and the rest is history. Of course I deleted her number but I’ll get a text message from some random number saying I”m an a-hole or the whole ‘i ruined her life.’ I find that funny really.

Seriously after all the crap she put me through and continued to put me through she’s going to go down that path? What a pathetic excuse for a life. Maybe I shouldn’t go that far. No I will go that far. She made her choice or choices. She did what she did for whatever reason and continued to try and mess with my life. If we just broke up and moved on, then it is what it is, but she tried to leach and leach and then I guess when others weren’t giving her a damn thing anymore she blames me. Go figure I should just shut up. But those who know me know I won’t. Some people are just pathetic excuses for human beings.

She cheats, has an affair, refuses to get divorced, continues to cheat, calls the cops on me, tries to play some game where her and her bf screw me over, then tries to finagle even more money, then after I buy her a car and am the one who moves out, she can’t find anybody who will pay her to do whatever, she moves on to Texas. She hates it there and tries to get back with me. I wanted nothing to do with her so it wasn’t going to happen. Then she drives back to San Diego and stays over some guys house who she sells something or does something for and then doesn’t get paid and she wants me to handle the matter. She almost gets stuck cause she has no money and nobody is giving her any and she asks me for a few bucks. I wasn’t giving her anything more at that point. And I still tried to be her friend back then for who knows what reason. Wow….the stupidity of my stupid mind. Then who knows what happened. She met some new guy in Texas. A marine who supposedly she loved and he loved her. She gets a job and a tattoo. But then her car breaks down, she gets laid off, and she asks me for money. I tell her no and she goes psycho. I am glad she lives in Texas and not in San Diego because who knows what she would have done. I already got hit in the head with a damn frying pan once and she almost ran me off the road another time. Nobody really knows all the stories. People often wonder about certain things. Sorry but most of those other stories just aren’t leaving the vault. Sometimes you have to keep things locked up for your own sanity. Sometimes you wonder what the hell you saw in somebody for her to go that psycho and then you see moments over the years that might have explained those situations. Or maybe you just don’t want to look into that mirror and admit you were stupid. Or maybe it’s hard to figure out where the hell you went wrong. Maybe I should have listened to a little old lady a long time ago. A little old lady who told me I should just find a nice Jewish girl. Maybe I should have listened to her.

A lot of people push the no contact (NC) theory after a break up. And it really doesn’t matter if it’s a divorce or a boyfriend/girlfriend break up. However I don’t normally buy into most of these theories people push. A lot of these conversational pieces just seem like topics pushed by people hiding behind a desk who never lived. Or even funnier is when certain people push advice about what works and doesn’t work in relationship. Then you find out they’ve been divorced 2 times or never dated. Or better yet is somebody who writes a book on how to raise a kid when they never had any kids, were an only child and didn’t grow up with a ton of aunts, uncles and cousins. Makes no sense to me.

I will admit at this point the only advice I really can give is how relationships don’t work out or the tell tale signs of cheaters and liars and so on. As far as telling somebody what works and doesn’t work, well how the hell would I know? The only thing I really know is how it didn’t work out. But as stated the lemmings fall for all the ‘hero’s’ who really are just out for a buck and don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about. Then again there are those who steal from this book, borrow some common sense, package it all together and suddenly the idiotic lemmings fall all over these idiots like they actually know everything about love and dating and this and that. I’ve come to realize most people are stupid. Stupid lemmings who will follow whatever the hell anybody pushes. One big con game really.

Which brings me back to the conversation I had tonight. Well not really a conversation but a text message chat session on my phone. It seems the ex might get married in the near future to some random military guy she met a month ago. It also seems they are planning on having children and settling down and raising a family. I have no clue why this was brought up but it led to questions about my life and my future yada yada yada whatever is how that conversation went. How the hell did I wind up communicating about that I have no clue. None of that bothers me. I wish her well and wish her the best. Why the hell she’d want to get married to some dude she just met is beyond me. Who knows maybe she’s loving living in Texas now, who knows and who cares.

All I know is maybe I should have listened to the no contact rule. Like I’ve told numerous people who don’t seem to comprehend or just don’t believe me for whatever reason, I have no desire to ever get married again. I have no desire to have kids. I have no desire to even date somebody for more than a week or two. And in all honesty as of now I really don’t even want to date anybody. Yet the ex kept probing me about meeting the right person, continuing on the tradition of my name, yada yada blah blah this and that as it goes. I have no clue why this was a conversation and no clue why she really contacted me as we don’t really chat or talk anymore unless she needs something or wonders about something. And that’s not that often anymore, which is a good thing I think. But it is what it is I guess and you go with the flow.

Great she’s found a new love after all the random people she seemed to find after the one dude up in La Jolla turned out to be the wrong guy for her. I have no clue what the hell is going through her mind. Maybe she just wants to throw stuff in my face, I don’t know. Just a few weeks ago she was asking me for money and she got mad because I told her ‘isn’t her new boyfriend supposed to help her out with that’. Hey maybe he did and now they are moving toward greener pastures, who knows and who cares. Or maybe she really wonders how I’m doing in the road of life, I don’t know. It’s just odd conversational pieces that’s for sure.