Sunny in San Diego

It’s been a bit since I last posted. Not that I’ve been in trouble or anything or going through mad pain or horrible circumstances or depressing moments. More like just figuring everything out at this point in time. Yes I’ve been kicked out of a bunch of bars. Too much dancing, partying, meatheads, hotheads, and anger issues but at the end of the day it is what it is. Spending way too much money might be the biggest problem but that just happens. Somebody has to support this damn economy. Dealing with various issues is more likely the scenario. And at this point in time it has nothing to do with past relationships.

Walk along an abandoned railroad track and you get a glimpse into the past. Create whatever memory you want to create because at that moment in time who is going to correct you? Or walk along and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I’ve met some interesting people over the past year. Some good and some not so good. If I never got divorced I would have never met these people. I’ve partied like I was 22 again except this time I had the money to burn and didn’t have to hang out in the back of a 7-11 or grocery store or wawa sipping on Cisco or Mad Dog. Or I didn’t have to go to a club with 20 bucks and not be able to afford much of anything. Or I wasn’t the person at a club wearing crappy clothes bought at some crappy cheap store. I’m able to buy drinks for everybody in a damn bar at times and other times just drinks for the pretty girls. Which sometimes leads to numbers, leads to conversations, leads to something more as they say. None of that would have been possible if I were still married. True none of these people really matter or give a crap about me, but I never really wanted anything more than that at this point in time. Why would I after all the mess I went through?

However, I was also deep down on myself dealing with everything in the sun. For the longest time I didn’t deal with anything. I became the guy everybody vicariously lives through. I have to top what I did last week so to speak for my ‘fans.’ I was in my own reality tv show in a way. Whether it was partying, bottle service, making it rain, jumping out of airplanes, feeding sharks, hiking 40 miles, or doing random crazy things, it was always about never sitting still. Never sleeping much either. But I also hit the gym hardcore, did my work, and tried to eat healthy. Then things change. Sometimes age does catch up to you or the hard life drains you. The switch to go from party mode to hardcore gym rat was broken. I drained myself soo much that there wasn’t that switch anymore. I tried to workout but I could feel the lack of energy and lack of anything. Maybe a little bit of depression set in at one point for various reasons too. It was a self destructive path that Heath Ledger or Chris Farley would have been scared of that’s for sure. Nowhere to go at a certain point. I guess you either roll with the punches or you roll into a ditch someplace and hide. I’ve never been one to hide for very long.

I’ve met some interesting people who liked me for whatever reasons. I really don’t know if they do or not but that’s another issue that only time will heal I guess. There are tons of issues I have to learn to deal with that have nothing to do with my ex wife. People like to blame everything on that or they like to tell me to move home where everybody loves me. While that’s true to a certain point I left the east coast because I couldn’t stand it there. Too many small minded individuals stuck with no hope and nowhere to go. There are some great people there but there are also a lot of people who gave up on life a long time ago and then blame the world for their problems. I never had that mentality. I always wanted to get out. And while the grass isn’t greener on the other side, I see far more opportunities where I’m at then where I came from. I left the east for many reasons and I have no desire to ever move back there. I will visit, I will laugh, I will enjoy the company when I go but I’ll never live there again. There is nothing for me there. I never fit in there.

Maybe I’ll hike through Europe for a few months soon or sail around the world, who knows. Those are some things I want to do before I get too old to actually enjoy it. I want to set up a charity to remember my sister. I want to actually build my new company into something successful. I also want to date again even though I can tell I keep a far distance these days. There is one girl I’ve been seeing and talking to for about a month now. Some might know her as picnic girl. We aren’t exclusive or anything like that as people who follow me would definitely know. But she’s different. She doesn’t party or drink. She informs me I should start saving money for the future and when I told her I sort of did that once and it didn’t turn out so well, she seems to know the right things to say that make sense. She actually knows about my divorce and doesn’t think negatively of me for it like quite a few people I met thought. And she isn’t afraid of it I guess. And her smile. She has the prettiest smile and loves to laugh. I spent soo much time with somebody who didn’t seem to like laughing that I forgot how much of a kidder and teaser I am. And I forgot what it feels like when somebody can kid and tease you. A sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and at life sometimes because it’s not always sunny in San Diego. Plus she’s smart. Masters degree and all. But who knows where things will go as like I said, I keep my distance these days. Do I like her? Yeah. But it’s only been a month and we aren’t even exclusive so we’ll see what happens. She is the first girl I’ve actually wanted to hang out with and just relax. We’ve hung out for hours upon hours on our dates just chatting, walking around, seeing the sights, eating, and chatting some more. In the past year or what not most of the other girls I’ve met were more about not getting to know them at all.

So when you walk down the railroad and forget that this track actually has trains passing by, remember to look up and step aside. Sometimes life throws you off a cliff and the only thing you can do is hope you don’t fall too hard. Because you need your hands and feet to climb back up that cliff one rock at a time. Life throws tough punches sometimes, you have to either roll with them and find a way back up or you can go hide and give up. Like I said I’ve never been one to hide for long.

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

What the hell does break, boil, borrow, steal, and theories within a chaotic mindless babble even mean? I have no clue what anything means anymore. Things were going fine. Maybe not great, but fine is fine is fine. Fine is good. Yes there were issues. Lots of issues I guess, but you learn to deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Then something happens. Somebody tries to ruin your day.

You try and not let them ruin it. Yes you try ever so hard to ignore it or brush it aside. You chalk it up to nothing more than a spoiled brat acting like a child. Laugh it off as somebody who is used to getting what they want by flashing their smile or simple blind manipulation. No big deal. They didn’t beat you at their own game this time. So you keep a straight face. You smile. You laugh. You nod. When everybody around you doesn’t comprehend how you keep a cool, calm, collective attitude you just shrug it off as not being a big deal. You push aside any ill feelings toward anybody. But sometimes people test your resolve. Sometimes they test your sanity. And some days they test every single bone, blood, and soul particle in your entire existence.

People can bang you a thousand times over and you keep getting back up smiling. They couldn’t do any more harm than they already had done. They could try and destroy everything there is, but in the end they really can’t destroy what’s already dead. How can somebody kill a soul that’s already doomed. How can somebody punish a spirit that’s already charred. And how can they bash a mind that left a long time ago. They really can’t can they? But what if it’s all just a mirage?

What if you hate thinking about all that shit? What if all that shit does suddenly explode? Sometimes there are battles to be won, wars to be lost and another day to fight. Maybe you don’t ever turn into a zombie if there is a part of you that keeps fighting. Maybe your subconscious keeps fighting a losing battle or maybe sometimes you are just one of those people who would bang their head into a wall over and over until you made a dent. And with that dent means a crack will come. And if the wall cracks, soon thereafter it will fall. Maybe the subconscious brain lives by that theory. Or maybe I’m really going crazy.

I’m probably the last person on this planet anybody would want to be standing next to if the cool, calm, collective self listened to the other half. I”m a Gemini so believe me there is another half. My writing and stories always kept me balanced I guess. But I don’t really write anything anymore. Yes I blog once in a while but that’s not the same. Good and bad, bad and good, life is what it is and death is what it is and we can’t fear either.

All I know is at one point your dreams frighten you more than anything. What if your dreams are nightmares? Or what if your nightmares are dreams? Or what if they really aren’t dreams or nightmares at all? At some point you don’t know what’s up from down and down from up. People give you advice and many times it’s very good advice. But none of these people know anything about me. None of these people really know how low somebody has gone. None of these people know the history. None of these people really know how horrible all of this shit makes me feel. And I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. In the end there is only so much somebody can smile and nod. And sometimes those inner demons are ever so slowly slithering out.

It’s hard to lock them away all the time when people keep kicking you when you’re already down. The smiles and nods irritate them. Your calm demeanor pisses them off. And maybe those subconscious dreams or nightmares are the only way the other half has of fighting the battle. The battle for the mirror. Like I said some days the mirror lies. Then again the mirror never lies. Call it a chip, an attitude, arrogance, selfishness or whatever the hell you want to call it. Call it what it really is though. You can’t really bang your head and expect the wall to break. Just like you can’t let others keep pushing you down and not expect somebody to push back. Turmoil. Chaos. That’s what break, boil, borrow, and steal really mean. Eventually as they say, there can only be one. Which one will win nobody knows.

It’s been one of those weeks. No, it’s been one of those months. Actually it’s been going on for quite awhile, who knows how long. Did you ever have the feeling that you’re running in circles or stuck on a treadmill? No matter what you do or try it doesn’t seem to matter. You might walk a thousand miles, jump out of a plane, swim across the sea, workout all the time, and then go feed sharks but none of it really fixes anything. You’re not moving or going anywhere. Or you wind up back where you started regardless of how far you’ve traveled. Maybe it’s emptiness. Maybe it’s change. Maybe it’s nothing. Or maybe it’s everything.

You dance around town, almost like a clown, just to hide that frown.

Sometimes appearances and attitudes are deceiving. Deceiving to those around you. Deceiving to your own identity. What if people see you as either cheerful, peaceful, hopeful, angry, depressed, or filled with so, oh so much energy. Maybe all of it is fake or all of it’s true, who knows. Some assume things will change for the better, while others pat you on the back and tell you everything will be fine. And still others just assume it’s about dating or sleeping or whatever the hell it is they assume. It’s not about any of those things. However people continue to assume they know what they are talking about when it comes to knowing the real you. Nobody knows anything.

What if one day you wake up and the mirror lies?
The same eyes aren’t the same eyes. The same smile isn’t the same smile. There is only a fake smile hiding a fake frown.
The shadow isn’t the shadow you once knew. The dreams you once dreamed are now nightmares. The nightmares aren’t even nightmares anymore.

What if you wake up one day and the reflection in the mirror is no longer you?

I caught a glimpse of the TV show Two and a Half Men today with Jon Crier and Charlie Sheen. It seems Jon Crier’s character on the show(Alan) had thoughts of reconciling with his ex-wife, but the housekeeper(Berta) told him a dead marriage was like a dead dog. She explained that when a dog dies you go dig a grave, bury it, and move on. You don’t go back and try to dig up the dead dog. It’s dead.

The same theory should work for a marriage. When a marriage dies for whatever reason why would you want to go and dig it up again? Digging it up means you aren’t moving on. Digging it up means you’re trying to dig up something that’s dead. Remember the dead dog scenario. People would consider you nuts if you went into the backyard and dug up your dead dog. Maybe that’s how a dead marriage should be looked at. People would consider you crazy for digging it up again. It’s dead.

Anyway I thought that was a good theory.

A lot of people push the no contact (NC) theory after a break up. And it really doesn’t matter if it’s a divorce or a boyfriend/girlfriend break up. However I don’t normally buy into most of these theories people push. A lot of these conversational pieces just seem like topics pushed by people hiding behind a desk who never lived. Or even funnier is when certain people push advice about what works and doesn’t work in relationship. Then you find out they’ve been divorced 2 times or never dated. Or better yet is somebody who writes a book on how to raise a kid when they never had any kids, were an only child and didn’t grow up with a ton of aunts, uncles and cousins. Makes no sense to me.

I will admit at this point the only advice I really can give is how relationships don’t work out or the tell tale signs of cheaters and liars and so on. As far as telling somebody what works and doesn’t work, well how the hell would I know? The only thing I really know is how it didn’t work out. But as stated the lemmings fall for all the ‘hero’s’ who really are just out for a buck and don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about. Then again there are those who steal from this book, borrow some common sense, package it all together and suddenly the idiotic lemmings fall all over these idiots like they actually know everything about love and dating and this and that. I’ve come to realize most people are stupid. Stupid lemmings who will follow whatever the hell anybody pushes. One big con game really.

Which brings me back to the conversation I had tonight. Well not really a conversation but a text message chat session on my phone. It seems the ex might get married in the near future to some random military guy she met a month ago. It also seems they are planning on having children and settling down and raising a family. I have no clue why this was brought up but it led to questions about my life and my future yada yada yada whatever is how that conversation went. How the hell did I wind up communicating about that I have no clue. None of that bothers me. I wish her well and wish her the best. Why the hell she’d want to get married to some dude she just met is beyond me. Who knows maybe she’s loving living in Texas now, who knows and who cares.

All I know is maybe I should have listened to the no contact rule. Like I’ve told numerous people who don’t seem to comprehend or just don’t believe me for whatever reason, I have no desire to ever get married again. I have no desire to have kids. I have no desire to even date somebody for more than a week or two. And in all honesty as of now I really don’t even want to date anybody. Yet the ex kept probing me about meeting the right person, continuing on the tradition of my name, yada yada blah blah this and that as it goes. I have no clue why this was a conversation and no clue why she really contacted me as we don’t really chat or talk anymore unless she needs something or wonders about something. And that’s not that often anymore, which is a good thing I think. But it is what it is I guess and you go with the flow.

Great she’s found a new love after all the random people she seemed to find after the one dude up in La Jolla turned out to be the wrong guy for her. I have no clue what the hell is going through her mind. Maybe she just wants to throw stuff in my face, I don’t know. Just a few weeks ago she was asking me for money and she got mad because I told her ‘isn’t her new boyfriend supposed to help her out with that’. Hey maybe he did and now they are moving toward greener pastures, who knows and who cares. Or maybe she really wonders how I’m doing in the road of life, I don’t know. It’s just odd conversational pieces that’s for sure.