Sunny in San Diego

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

You know an odd thing I’ve noticed since I moved to the west coast are people who seem to be flakes and fakes. Yes a lot of people out here(California, Oregon, or Washington) are fakes and flakes. Or more like the term ‘flake’ is often used for everything when it comes to communication issues or plain old rude behavior. There are times when you just want to avoid confrontation and arguments and then ignore somebody. Nothing wrong with that. There are other times when you have to put on the happy face and go with the flow for political or friend related concerns. Other times you just put somebody in their place. Not here in California or Seattle for most people. It seems they aren’t flakes or fakes. Flat out liars and assholes. Nothing wrong with that if they admit it. Or as I like to call them, ‘pretend nice people’.

What is a ‘pretend nice person’ ?

It is a person who would be considered a flake. Instead of telling you they aren’t coming or they have other plans or they don’t want to come, they avoid the whole conversation. Sometimes they’ll say they are coming or going. Sometimes they’ll just ignore the question but ask to be invited somewhere. It is a weird occurrence that seems to happen all the time out here. And it doesn’t seem to matter if it’s males, females, friends, dates, girlfriends, boyfriends, co-workers, managers, etc. If you don’t want to go or can’t go just say it. These lame excuses or avoidance tactics are asshole behavior. AKA pretend nice person behavior.

It’s also a person who continues to talk to you even though they can’t stand you. It’s a person who talks about you to everybody else but pretends to be your friend for no reason at all. I mean sometimes in certain circles you don’t want to hate on one person if everybody else thinks that person is cool. You might come off as the uncool person or hater. But when your social circles don’t really connect and you have no real relationship, what the hell is the point? Avoid the person, ignore the person or tell them to leave you alone. But no it’s the whole pretend to be into for whatever the hell reason. AKA pretend nice person behavior.

It can be a person who makes all these plans with others and never shows up. And either they have some lame excuse or lame last minute story or they avoid you long enough so the next time you see them they assume you forgot about that event they never showed up to. Really sucks when you have to plan ahead for it and count them as one of the guests who plan to show up. So instead of standing up and telling you the real reason they couldn’t go or tell you they didn’t want to go in the first place, they act like assholes. The truth is they are really assholes who don’t think they are assholes. AKA pretend nice people.

It sure seems on the east coast a lot more people will tell you like it is while on the west coast half the people are pretend nice. Which just means they are assholes who can’t admit the truth. And the truth is ‘pretend nice people’ are nothing more than assholes. They can call themselves whatever the hell they want.