Sunny in San Diego

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

I don’t even know what I”m talking about at this point. I do know a Mr. Andy Kaos came for a visit today and doesn’t want to leave. I think he likes San Diego. He likes the sunshine, the beaches, the desert, and most of all the girls. Who wouldn’t like it here? He knows that I won’t tell him anything bad about the place. Yes there are issues with no money, spoiled trust fund brats, stuck up snobbish ugly looking girls, and overpriced and underpaid areas but saying all that where else in the world would anybody want to be? Nowhere. So Andy Kaos came to visit and refuses to leave. This can be a very good thing. It can also be a very bad thing. Let the chaos begin.

Have you ever been told that you ruined somebodies life? I don’t think I had that much power over anybody before until last week. Somebody, many already know who, sent me a message(this after she supposedly lost my number, deleted all contact on every internet site, etc) claiming I ruined her life. I never replied. I don’t stay in contact with people like that anymore. At first I tried to remain friends for whatever reason. Then it became obvious that there was no point remaining in contact. We weren’t friends. Not even close. It was more about showing up each other. She’d send pics or messages or leave a comment on how she’s in love, planning to have kids, doing this or that. I’d just complain about having no desire to date anybody and how I spend all my money going out all the time. And we probably only exchanged messages about 5 times in the past 4 months. Only times she contacted me was when she needed money. Anyway she got pissed the one time I told her no and the rest is history. Of course I deleted her number but I’ll get a text message from some random number saying I”m an a-hole or the whole ‘i ruined her life.’ I find that funny really.

Seriously after all the crap she put me through and continued to put me through she’s going to go down that path? What a pathetic excuse for a life. Maybe I shouldn’t go that far. No I will go that far. She made her choice or choices. She did what she did for whatever reason and continued to try and mess with my life. If we just broke up and moved on, then it is what it is, but she tried to leach and leach and then I guess when others weren’t giving her a damn thing anymore she blames me. Go figure I should just shut up. But those who know me know I won’t. Some people are just pathetic excuses for human beings.

She cheats, has an affair, refuses to get divorced, continues to cheat, calls the cops on me, tries to play some game where her and her bf screw me over, then tries to finagle even more money, then after I buy her a car and am the one who moves out, she can’t find anybody who will pay her to do whatever, she moves on to Texas. She hates it there and tries to get back with me. I wanted nothing to do with her so it wasn’t going to happen. Then she drives back to San Diego and stays over some guys house who she sells something or does something for and then doesn’t get paid and she wants me to handle the matter. She almost gets stuck cause she has no money and nobody is giving her any and she asks me for a few bucks. I wasn’t giving her anything more at that point. And I still tried to be her friend back then for who knows what reason. Wow….the stupidity of my stupid mind. Then who knows what happened. She met some new guy in Texas. A marine who supposedly she loved and he loved her. She gets a job and a tattoo. But then her car breaks down, she gets laid off, and she asks me for money. I tell her no and she goes psycho. I am glad she lives in Texas and not in San Diego because who knows what she would have done. I already got hit in the head with a damn frying pan once and she almost ran me off the road another time. Nobody really knows all the stories. People often wonder about certain things. Sorry but most of those other stories just aren’t leaving the vault. Sometimes you have to keep things locked up for your own sanity. Sometimes you wonder what the hell you saw in somebody for her to go that psycho and then you see moments over the years that might have explained those situations. Or maybe you just don’t want to look into that mirror and admit you were stupid. Or maybe it’s hard to figure out where the hell you went wrong. Maybe I should have listened to a little old lady a long time ago. A little old lady who told me I should just find a nice Jewish girl. Maybe I should have listened to her.

What the hell does break, boil, borrow, steal, and theories within a chaotic mindless babble even mean? I have no clue what anything means anymore. Things were going fine. Maybe not great, but fine is fine is fine. Fine is good. Yes there were issues. Lots of issues I guess, but you learn to deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Then something happens. Somebody tries to ruin your day.

You try and not let them ruin it. Yes you try ever so hard to ignore it or brush it aside. You chalk it up to nothing more than a spoiled brat acting like a child. Laugh it off as somebody who is used to getting what they want by flashing their smile or simple blind manipulation. No big deal. They didn’t beat you at their own game this time. So you keep a straight face. You smile. You laugh. You nod. When everybody around you doesn’t comprehend how you keep a cool, calm, collective attitude you just shrug it off as not being a big deal. You push aside any ill feelings toward anybody. But sometimes people test your resolve. Sometimes they test your sanity. And some days they test every single bone, blood, and soul particle in your entire existence.

People can bang you a thousand times over and you keep getting back up smiling. They couldn’t do any more harm than they already had done. They could try and destroy everything there is, but in the end they really can’t destroy what’s already dead. How can somebody kill a soul that’s already doomed. How can somebody punish a spirit that’s already charred. And how can they bash a mind that left a long time ago. They really can’t can they? But what if it’s all just a mirage?

What if you hate thinking about all that shit? What if all that shit does suddenly explode? Sometimes there are battles to be won, wars to be lost and another day to fight. Maybe you don’t ever turn into a zombie if there is a part of you that keeps fighting. Maybe your subconscious keeps fighting a losing battle or maybe sometimes you are just one of those people who would bang their head into a wall over and over until you made a dent. And with that dent means a crack will come. And if the wall cracks, soon thereafter it will fall. Maybe the subconscious brain lives by that theory. Or maybe I’m really going crazy.

I’m probably the last person on this planet anybody would want to be standing next to if the cool, calm, collective self listened to the other half. I”m a Gemini so believe me there is another half. My writing and stories always kept me balanced I guess. But I don’t really write anything anymore. Yes I blog once in a while but that’s not the same. Good and bad, bad and good, life is what it is and death is what it is and we can’t fear either.

All I know is at one point your dreams frighten you more than anything. What if your dreams are nightmares? Or what if your nightmares are dreams? Or what if they really aren’t dreams or nightmares at all? At some point you don’t know what’s up from down and down from up. People give you advice and many times it’s very good advice. But none of these people know anything about me. None of these people really know how low somebody has gone. None of these people know the history. None of these people really know how horrible all of this shit makes me feel. And I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. In the end there is only so much somebody can smile and nod. And sometimes those inner demons are ever so slowly slithering out.

It’s hard to lock them away all the time when people keep kicking you when you’re already down. The smiles and nods irritate them. Your calm demeanor pisses them off. And maybe those subconscious dreams or nightmares are the only way the other half has of fighting the battle. The battle for the mirror. Like I said some days the mirror lies. Then again the mirror never lies. Call it a chip, an attitude, arrogance, selfishness or whatever the hell you want to call it. Call it what it really is though. You can’t really bang your head and expect the wall to break. Just like you can’t let others keep pushing you down and not expect somebody to push back. Turmoil. Chaos. That’s what break, boil, borrow, and steal really mean. Eventually as they say, there can only be one. Which one will win nobody knows.

The days are not a changing. Yesterday sucked and today started out crappy. I didn’t get much sleep, had a nightmare about the ex, and then I decided not to take any pain killers this morning. Big mistake. My back killed me all day and my ankle wasn’t exactly loving life. But all of this follows the cray dreams/nightmares I had the other night. Actually I don’t even know what to call them at this point because in all honesty, it’s not just dreams/nightmares.

I seem to have this recurring dream about some shadowy figure who sort of reminds me of the grim reaper. This has been going on for months now. It’ s not an every night thing, but it’s something that happens often enough. Maybe I should google it and find out the meaning behind it. The scary part though is it’s not just a dream. I mean it is but I actually wake up, at least it feels like that and I’m staring at these shadowy figures in my room. Sometimes I get up and try to chase them away. Other times I just stare and don’t do anything. But I’m not actually asleep anymore when this happens. Kind of freaky really if you think about it. Or maybe I am asleep and I just don’t know it. Most of the time the shadowy figure just fade away or disappears or I stare at it long enough and it starts to resemble what it really is. The one time it was my hiking backpack. Not sure how that resembled a shadowy figure but it did. Another time it was a shirt and pants reflection off of my computer screen. But as I said I usually go back to sleep or wind up waking up and that’s that. At least I think that’s that.

But the other night it was even weirder. It’s like the shadowy figure didn’t go away. It stayed and kept inching closer to my bed. It started out in the closet and moved ever so slowly across the floor. It was like stalking me or something as it never really got that close to me. Then I did what I normally do but it didn’t go away. At that point I must have been freaking out as it started to look less and less like a shadowy figure and more and more like the grim reaper. So I sat up and stared. My wiped my eyes and even got daring and got out of bed and turned the bathroom light on. And then it was gone. Maybe I woke up.

So I splashed some water on my face, took a couple sips of water and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up there was no shadowy figure haunting me. This time it was some person dressed in a tuxedo with a red bow tie, a mustache and some angry weird smile. It almost looked like some funeral director or something. This character stood in the same spot as the shadowy grim reaper too. So I stare and it doesn’t move. I wipe my eyes and it’s still there. Finally I get up again and turn on the light and it’s gone. Maybe it was just some reflection. Maybe it was the hiking backpack. Or maybe I’m really going crazy as these aren’t just dreams or nightmares. I mean I’m waking up because I’m seeing these things in my room after I get up in the middle of the night.

Normal Heights to Oceanside
Find more Walks in San Diego, California

I ‘m planning to walk from PB(Pacific Beach) to Oceanside on Saturday. That’s around a 40 mile walk, one way. I have to figure out how the hell I”m getting back. Maybe I’ll take the coaster train. It should be fun. You ask why am I doing this? Just to do it for one and for another there is a pedometer challenge at work and I don’t like to lose. I figure I’ll be way ahead of everybody else and if the rest of my team does just average next week, we should win. I like winning.