What the hell does break, boil, borrow, steal, and theories within a chaotic mindless babble even mean? I have no clue what anything means anymore. Things were going fine. Maybe not great, but fine is fine is fine. Fine is good. Yes there were issues. Lots of issues I guess, but you learn to deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Then something happens. Somebody tries to ruin your day.
You try and not let them ruin it. Yes you try ever so hard to ignore it or brush it aside. You chalk it up to nothing more than a spoiled brat acting like a child. Laugh it off as somebody who is used to getting what they want by flashing their smile or simple blind manipulation. No big deal. They didn’t beat you at their own game this time. So you keep a straight face. You smile. You laugh. You nod. When everybody around you doesn’t comprehend how you keep a cool, calm, collective attitude you just shrug it off as not being a big deal. You push aside any ill feelings toward anybody. But sometimes people test your resolve. Sometimes they test your sanity. And some days they test every single bone, blood, and soul particle in your entire existence.
People can bang you a thousand times over and you keep getting back up smiling. They couldn’t do any more harm than they already had done. They could try and destroy everything there is, but in the end they really can’t destroy what’s already dead. How can somebody kill a soul that’s already doomed. How can somebody punish a spirit that’s already charred. And how can they bash a mind that left a long time ago. They really can’t can they? But what if it’s all just a mirage?
What if you hate thinking about all that shit? What if all that shit does suddenly explode? Sometimes there are battles to be won, wars to be lost and another day to fight. Maybe you don’t ever turn into a zombie if there is a part of you that keeps fighting. Maybe your subconscious keeps fighting a losing battle or maybe sometimes you are just one of those people who would bang their head into a wall over and over until you made a dent. And with that dent means a crack will come. And if the wall cracks, soon thereafter it will fall. Maybe the subconscious brain lives by that theory. Or maybe I’m really going crazy.
I’m probably the last person on this planet anybody would want to be standing next to if the cool, calm, collective self listened to the other half. I”m a Gemini so believe me there is another half. My writing and stories always kept me balanced I guess. But I don’t really write anything anymore. Yes I blog once in a while but that’s not the same. Good and bad, bad and good, life is what it is and death is what it is and we can’t fear either.
All I know is at one point your dreams frighten you more than anything. What if your dreams are nightmares? Or what if your nightmares are dreams? Or what if they really aren’t dreams or nightmares at all? At some point you don’t know what’s up from down and down from up. People give you advice and many times it’s very good advice. But none of these people know anything about me. None of these people really know how low somebody has gone. None of these people know the history. None of these people really know how horrible all of this shit makes me feel. And I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. In the end there is only so much somebody can smile and nod. And sometimes those inner demons are ever so slowly slithering out.
It’s hard to lock them away all the time when people keep kicking you when you’re already down. The smiles and nods irritate them. Your calm demeanor pisses them off. And maybe those subconscious dreams or nightmares are the only way the other half has of fighting the battle. The battle for the mirror. Like I said some days the mirror lies. Then again the mirror never lies. Call it a chip, an attitude, arrogance, selfishness or whatever the hell you want to call it. Call it what it really is though. You can’t really bang your head and expect the wall to break. Just like you can’t let others keep pushing you down and not expect somebody to push back. Turmoil. Chaos. That’s what break, boil, borrow, and steal really mean. Eventually as they say, there can only be one. Which one will win nobody knows.
