Sunny in San Diego

It’s been a bit since I last posted. Not that I’ve been in trouble or anything or going through mad pain or horrible circumstances or depressing moments. More like just figuring everything out at this point in time. Yes I’ve been kicked out of a bunch of bars. Too much dancing, partying, meatheads, hotheads, and anger issues but at the end of the day it is what it is. Spending way too much money might be the biggest problem but that just happens. Somebody has to support this damn economy. Dealing with various issues is more likely the scenario. And at this point in time it has nothing to do with past relationships.

Walk along an abandoned railroad track and you get a glimpse into the past. Create whatever memory you want to create because at that moment in time who is going to correct you? Or walk along and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I’ve met some interesting people over the past year. Some good and some not so good. If I never got divorced I would have never met these people. I’ve partied like I was 22 again except this time I had the money to burn and didn’t have to hang out in the back of a 7-11 or grocery store or wawa sipping on Cisco or Mad Dog. Or I didn’t have to go to a club with 20 bucks and not be able to afford much of anything. Or I wasn’t the person at a club wearing crappy clothes bought at some crappy cheap store. I’m able to buy drinks for everybody in a damn bar at times and other times just drinks for the pretty girls. Which sometimes leads to numbers, leads to conversations, leads to something more as they say. None of that would have been possible if I were still married. True none of these people really matter or give a crap about me, but I never really wanted anything more than that at this point in time. Why would I after all the mess I went through?

However, I was also deep down on myself dealing with everything in the sun. For the longest time I didn’t deal with anything. I became the guy everybody vicariously lives through. I have to top what I did last week so to speak for my ‘fans.’ I was in my own reality tv show in a way. Whether it was partying, bottle service, making it rain, jumping out of airplanes, feeding sharks, hiking 40 miles, or doing random crazy things, it was always about never sitting still. Never sleeping much either. But I also hit the gym hardcore, did my work, and tried to eat healthy. Then things change. Sometimes age does catch up to you or the hard life drains you. The switch to go from party mode to hardcore gym rat was broken. I drained myself soo much that there wasn’t that switch anymore. I tried to workout but I could feel the lack of energy and lack of anything. Maybe a little bit of depression set in at one point for various reasons too. It was a self destructive path that Heath Ledger or Chris Farley would have been scared of that’s for sure. Nowhere to go at a certain point. I guess you either roll with the punches or you roll into a ditch someplace and hide. I’ve never been one to hide for very long.

I’ve met some interesting people who liked me for whatever reasons. I really don’t know if they do or not but that’s another issue that only time will heal I guess. There are tons of issues I have to learn to deal with that have nothing to do with my ex wife. People like to blame everything on that or they like to tell me to move home where everybody loves me. While that’s true to a certain point I left the east coast because I couldn’t stand it there. Too many small minded individuals stuck with no hope and nowhere to go. There are some great people there but there are also a lot of people who gave up on life a long time ago and then blame the world for their problems. I never had that mentality. I always wanted to get out. And while the grass isn’t greener on the other side, I see far more opportunities where I’m at then where I came from. I left the east for many reasons and I have no desire to ever move back there. I will visit, I will laugh, I will enjoy the company when I go but I’ll never live there again. There is nothing for me there. I never fit in there.

Maybe I’ll hike through Europe for a few months soon or sail around the world, who knows. Those are some things I want to do before I get too old to actually enjoy it. I want to set up a charity to remember my sister. I want to actually build my new company into something successful. I also want to date again even though I can tell I keep a far distance these days. There is one girl I’ve been seeing and talking to for about a month now. Some might know her as picnic girl. We aren’t exclusive or anything like that as people who follow me would definitely know. But she’s different. She doesn’t party or drink. She informs me I should start saving money for the future and when I told her I sort of did that once and it didn’t turn out so well, she seems to know the right things to say that make sense. She actually knows about my divorce and doesn’t think negatively of me for it like quite a few people I met thought. And she isn’t afraid of it I guess. And her smile. She has the prettiest smile and loves to laugh. I spent soo much time with somebody who didn’t seem to like laughing that I forgot how much of a kidder and teaser I am. And I forgot what it feels like when somebody can kid and tease you. A sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and at life sometimes because it’s not always sunny in San Diego. Plus she’s smart. Masters degree and all. But who knows where things will go as like I said, I keep my distance these days. Do I like her? Yeah. But it’s only been a month and we aren’t even exclusive so we’ll see what happens. She is the first girl I’ve actually wanted to hang out with and just relax. We’ve hung out for hours upon hours on our dates just chatting, walking around, seeing the sights, eating, and chatting some more. In the past year or what not most of the other girls I’ve met were more about not getting to know them at all.

So when you walk down the railroad and forget that this track actually has trains passing by, remember to look up and step aside. Sometimes life throws you off a cliff and the only thing you can do is hope you don’t fall too hard. Because you need your hands and feet to climb back up that cliff one rock at a time. Life throws tough punches sometimes, you have to either roll with them and find a way back up or you can go hide and give up. Like I said I’ve never been one to hide for long.

Eat a potato without butter, salt, pepper, sour cream, gravy or anything and tell me what you think. Not everybody likes the plain old potato without the extra toppings. But there are those who enjoy the texture and taste of a good old plain potato. Ever wonder why you won’t eat a potato without the toppings?

Some people write to make it a career. Some people write just to write. And some people write to make their stories, opinions and ideas known. I guess all of those are valid reasons. But for me half the time I write because I have to write. I have millions of little stories and poems floating around so many places that most will probably be lost forever. Or maybe 100 years after I’m dead somebody will find them and give me the right credit. Who knows about that as I’ll be long gone and the way things are going it doesn’t look like I’ll be having any next of kin that’s for sure. Maybe my nephews and their children and my cousin’s cousin’s kids will lay claim. Who knows and who really cares at that point.

The madness behind all of this is that many times I have no other choice. If it’s 3am and something pops into my head I have to get up and write it or at least take notes about it. My mind isn’t as crazy as it once was I think, but who knows about that theory. People would tell you back in high school that I would look like a man possessed when I started writing. I’d write 50 pages in such a short time and after all was said and done I’d have no clue how the hell all that was written. There are many stories I’ve read years later and thought there was no way I wrote that, good and bad. My problem was always never having faith in my abilities. And then other times I’d refuse to write. Writing takes a lot out of me. It drains me.

It drains me because it’s not just that I’m writing but I’m living and breathing my stories. If a character is going insane, I’m right there with them. If a story is about evil or good or whatever I’m in that story. Which brings me to a new story I’ve been working on for months now. Yeah it revolves around the divorce but it’s so much more than that it’s not funny. For the longest time I had no clue where to go with the story. I had ideas but none of them were anything special. They were just thoughts. And then one day something happened and suddenly I started recreating this story and a week later I have 100 pages written. It’s a long process to go and finish, re-edit, rearrange, and make it special, but I think I needed something good to happen at some point. I’m not so sure it was a good moment anymore, but at that time I felt it was good enough. Call it a good date with a cool person that spawned the creative juices. Who knows why things happen the way they do but they do.

The story isn’t really about me per say but it sure has a ton of realistic situations so far that either happened or were so close to what happened that it’s hard not to go through the same emotions again. Which means not only am I draining myself because I’m writing but I’m also draining myself because I’m going through all those emotions once again. And I’m not even at some of the hardest moments. That will come soon enough. But I do know after all the drainage and pain and suffering and lack of sleep I will be happy after all is said and done. Everything I write comes from my heart. Everything I do basically revolves around me being honest with myself. All the good, bad, and ugly that I might have gone through. I’m not going to sugar coat it or create some fake persona like soo many I’ve met seem to do. They don’t want people knowing their vulnerabilities. They don’t want people knowing the truth. You know what the truth is, we’re all human and most of us mess up. We get back up and fight another day. Seems everybody just wants everybody else to believe they are better than them and it’s all peaches and cream. What a silly concept really.

The light bulbs aren’t the problem because they aren’t electric. The fuel is fine. The flame is OK. The post is busted and therefore crashes to the street. Nothing matters after this because everything becomes busted. Take care of the post before you create the perfect lamp. It doesn’t matter though. Nobody pays any attention. They pass on by never imagining a night without light. That is until it happens and everything is a surprise, but it never really was a surprise. People just don’t pay attention to the simple things. They don’t recognize small finite patterns. Once broken and busted, where do you go from there? It might be too late for the little old lady or the car with one dull light. And so goes life.

Ever look back on your life and start to think everybody else made out better than you? Not jealousy or hatred or anything like that but people who met you seemed to have gained a lot more from knowing you than from you knowing them. Sometimes you wonder where all the people like you are that you would have benefited from. Maybe you always met the wrong people, but then again lets talk about fate. Some people might be doomed or cursed. Keep digging out of a whole only to find out they built a wall on top of it. Climb over that wall only to find another and another and another. The light at the end of the tunnel never really existed. False hope one might say. Teasers others might reckon.

Give everything and receive nothing in return isn’t the problem. It is the person inside you and that won’t change. But once in awhile people not expecting anything from you or helping you or lending you a hand or doing something that only they could have done that would change your life for the better would be nice. Sort of like what you’ve been doing your whole life. It just seems the majority of people met gained a lot more from me than vice versa. Yes there is appreciation and most people do offer something here and there but it’s always about scratching a back and they scratch yours. Sometimes you just help because it’s the right thing to do and expect nothing in return. Regardless of who it is or how they have treated you or will treat you. Once in a while I guess it would be nice to meet yourself in a different form. But so goes life and fate and the curse of a doomed life.

Ever wonder why you do the things you do?

Once in a while I’m strolling along the railroad tracks and a train may cruise on by without much of a whistle. It doesn’t notice me and I don’t notice it. Almost two invisible objects passing through time. We share no real connection and no real memories. But once in a while a train will storm by and rattle my sneakers so hard I almost fall to the ground. The train kicks up a little dust to remind itself I passed through its tracks and it rattled my silence. I noticed it and it noticed me. We shared some kind of secret moment. And so goes life in a way.

Sometimes things are just a moment in time that we’ll never really remember. A person or place will just be some forgotten piece of time. Other times a person or place will change our lives forever, even if just for a moment. It’s weird. People or places you never expect anything from surprise you while people or places you expected to make a difference are just a forgotten slice of time. Who knows about this thing called life. Doors open and doors close but sometimes you have to shove down a door or make sure another door is locked and you throw away the key. Life works in weird ways. You roll with the punches and go with the flow and wherever you may wind up is where you’ll wind up. You make choices and decisions and you live and learn from them. Regardless if they are good, bad, ugly or beautiful you have to live with them, learn from them, and/or change them. Life shouldn’t be any other way I guess. Even when others try to ruin your moments.

Today was a weird day. Another door may be opening and who knows where that will lead. It could be interesting or it could be crazy. This door could be hot. It could be cold. Who knows. While another door is still open but it’s more confusing. Plans were made and it seems this door was open and welcoming. Good company waited inside this door. But the door seems to be closing ever so slightly and nobody is home. Is this a sign of things to come or just over analyzing nothing? Who knows.

The easy thing about only opening doors that remain open for a minute is you never care. It’s just a knock, a wave, and a goodbye. Then you just move onto another door. Kind of like kids singing Christmas carols or selling cookies. If one door is closed you find one that is open or at least will be opened. Problems arise when the door is open and you get invited in for an extended stay. Now it’s no longer just a view, but actually needing to find out what is behind this door. Maybe it’s opening yourself up to new experiences. Maybe it’s hoping these new experiences will be great. Maybe it’s a fear of the unknown. Or maybe it’s really a fear that behind this door might be something special and that something special might slam the door in your face one day. Open and shut isn’t as easy as it sounds. Sometimes knocking on doors and speaking from the outside is the easy part. Actually getting invited in is where the vulnerabilities start no matter when you actually knock.

I experienced my second earthquake in California. Yes there have been little ones here and there and the epicenter is not exactly in Downtown San Diego, but still. Last year it was a 4. something out in El Centro. It felt like somebody turned up the bass downstairs. Nobody really cared. This year I was on the 20th floor(top floor) of a building on rollers. It was swaying back and forth and suddenly I felt dizzy. I thought something was wrong with me or I ate something bad or my mind was going crazy. Then I saw the blinds moving and other people asking ‘hey do you feel funny.’ So yeah it was another earthquake. Actually there were 3 earthquakes down off the coast of Baja Mexico. A 5.8, 5.0, and a 6.9. Crazy how 350+ miles away and you still feel after effects. Weird how it felt like a roller coaster and then it felt like i was a little buzzed. Interesting times.

Have you ever assumed certain things or figured something would be a specific way so you never bothered to do it? It could be anything really. People make assumptions or come up with random theories all the time. Sometimes it’s to protect themselves. Other times it’s just because it’s the way they believe certain things. Recently I’ve been at a distance with most people. Yeah there are some who know some things but nobody knows most things. It’s a weird thing really. Trying to keep your distance and hold no real feelings or beliefs. I guess that was to protect myself. Or maybe it was something different. And then along comes something different but not that different.

Sometimes we push things away or never even attempt something because of beliefs, fears, assumptions, or deep rooted ideas. Or maybe it’s a fear of thinking you’re one way and this thing is nothing you’d ever think about. It’s different than you. It’s a lot different. So we never bother to take that plunge. Yeah sometimes that’s a good thing not to do something that might get us into trouble or something that probably won’t improve our lives. But sometimes taking those plunges where vulnerabilities are put on the table might surprise you. You may find out that those differences are also surrounded by a ton of similarities. Similarities you’d never would have found out about if you didn’t take that chance.

Nobody knows where anything will lead. The future is not written. You turn left or you turn right or you go straight or you just might turn around and wherever you may wind up normally radiates from decisions you make or don’t make. Even a non decision is a decision. Once in a while a decision you make might lead to something. It might not lead to anything. But you’d be surprised how what you thought probably isn’t true at all. I’m glad I listened to my roommate. Even if things lead nowhere I had a chance to discover certain things I would have assumed weren’t even a possibility. And who knows, maybe something will lead somewhere. You never know.